People Matter ∴ Do Good

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Tag: Relationships

Do you trust me?

28 May 2019 /

Trust what I say do value“Do you trust me?” I was asked with absolute sincerity.

It’s a huge question because trust binds all relationships together.

“Do you trust me?” is not a simple question, and in the years since I’ve come to realise that trust is made up of three things:

  • Trust what I say
  • Trust what I do
  • Trust what I value

 

Trust what I say:
This is all about truthfulness, and the ability to believe that this person is telling you the truth and that you can rely on their word.

When the person asked if I trusted them, my answer was 100% yes, because time and time again they had proved themselves truthful. But what they were really asking was do you trust what I do?

Trust what I do:
This is about trusting the persons decisions and actions. A person can be 100% truthful, but we are not sure about some of the decisions they make and we struggle to trust them in those areas.

Trusting what people do takes time and is complicated. We can trust a person will make the right decisions in most areas, and then question the decisions when they are given new responsibility, as we watch to see if they adapt to the new challenges.

Trust what I value:
When we value different things, and they are not discussed, then it can cause us to feel like we don’t trust each other, despite the fact we trust what they say and do. The challenge with trusting what we each value, is that we don’t generally do the hard work to understand each other’s values.

With one of my new direct reports, we worked out my value of ‘freedom’ was at odds with his value of ‘structure’. Neither of these values is wrong, but if we hadn’t noticed it and named it, then as we work together we could have begun to wonder if we could trust each other.

∴

Nothing will kill connection, dampen joy or increase stress in any relationship more than where I fail to trust or unintentionally make people feel untrusted.

When we find that we are struggling to trust a person, dive in and ask…

Do I trust what they say?
Do I trust what they do?
Do I trust what they value?

Then go and have a sincere truthful conversation with them.

Because relationships are built on trust, and they are worth the effort.

How much do I get paid?

6 October 2016 /

Pay Kids for inventionsAround our house we have duties that everyone has to do each week on rotation as a part of being in the family. Then there are the tasks like mowing the lawns which I can do for free, or the kids can do for money.

Of course the first question is “how much do I get paid?”

We are taught from an early age to value our time when we work. We are rewarded for the hours we put in, not the outcomes.

Which is weird, because as adults we know true success is not determined by how much we earn.

Success is defined by what we do.

What we learn.

What we create.

Invent.

Start.

Who we help.

Connect.

Love.

And how we shape the lives of people around us.

∴

I’m not sure I want my kids to grow up with a ‘wage’ mentality. I would rather they have a ‘change’ mentality.

Maybe those of us with kids should start paying them for the hours they aren’t on devices or watching TV.

We could pay them to read, or exercise, or learn new stuff they don’t teach at school.

We could start offering to pay our kids when they are writing, or creating, or making art.

Better yet, we could pay our kids for each invention they make, regardless of how successful. Or fund any social project, no matter how short-lived.

I’m sure there will be a downside to all of this, but it must be better than just paying them to mow the lawns

Why cutting corners matters!

21 March 2016 /

When you cut corners often enough, people will follow your example.The road ahead of us bends to the left and intersects with our small cul-de-sac which climbs off to the right. With our ‘L‘ plates front and back, and me in the passenger seat, I clearly instruct the first time driver “don’t cut the corner”. It is after all a perfect corner for cutting. My words echo around the car as she whips right, cuts the corner and heads towards home.

“What part of ‘don’t cut the corner’ did you not understand?” I banter.

“You do it all the time” my daughter factually quips.

Instantly I realised that’s what I do. I cut that corner. Almost every time.

 

A few years ago a friend of ours was in a recovery programme. As a part of the programme they would often go for long walks around urban streets. As you know, footpaths generally curve around the intersection and then cross a few metres into the next street, so that its safer.

They had to ALWAYS cross where the footpath crosses the road.

They weren’t allowed to cut corners.

Ever.

Even if the roads were empty they still go the long way, because they wanted to reinforce that there was no cutting corners when it came to their recovery.

I cut those corners too.

Often.

Without even thinking about it.

 

We cut corners in life repeatedly. Usually because its quicker or easier or the least expensive way. What we often don’t see when we cut corners, is the message that sends to those around us. To our children, students, work-mates or even people we lead.

When you cut corners often enough, people will follow your example.

∴

Realising that I cut corners more often than I thought, has made me resolve some areas I never want to cut corners.

Honesty.

Safety.

Finances.

Caring for people.

Relationships.

Because cutting those corners will leave me a lesser person.

Does familiarity stop you listening?

9 February 2016 /

Often our familiarity with a person can stop us hearing the wisdom they offerRecently I was having coffee with a guy who had taken some advice I have given him and was raving about it. The funny thing is that he confessed to me that one of his team had given him the same advice a few months earlier and he had largely ignored it.

Often our familiarity with a person can cause us to be less receptive to a person’s opinion.

Our familiarity to our leaders, colleagues, team mates, parents, partners, or even kids can make us disregard the insights they offer.

We often have incredible respect and trust for those closest to us. We know their strengths, weaknesses and are in constant conversation with them. And all this familiarity can lead us to not even consider the firsthand wisdom they offer.

If we do this often, they will stop speaking into our life.

What a loss that would be.

∴

There is a twofold implication for familiarity…

Firstly, we need to remember to not only listen to those closest to us, but also to take time to truly consider their opinion, rather than just shrug it off.

And, there are times when we really need to hear the truth by listening to someone who doesn’t know us well and who is respectful enough to be candid about their opinion. It can make us feel a little bit foolish, but at least we have no choice but to take notice.

The easiest path, if we’re honest, is through those closest to us.

Be more trusted, by first trusting.

8 April 2015 /

I remember sitting with a couple of young entrepreneurs a Trustfew years ago as they asked my opinion on their business idea. The weird thing about the conversation is they tried to tell me without actually disclosing what their idea was. They were concerned that I might steal their idea. After playing that dance I got pretty candid with them and told them I had enough business ideas of my own that I will never do, so I don’t really need their ideas.

Furthermore, I told them to go talk to some other people, who might just be interested in stealing their idea. People with deep pockets who could out execute them, but may just make great partners.

Over the years I have met more than my fair share of people who have the wrong default position when it comes to trust. They choose, sometimes because of past hurt, to never trust people until the person has earned their complete trust.

This is so sad and not for the reason that they may expect.

You see, trust works both ways. If you trust me … I trust you … then you trust me more.

If I start trusting you and sense that you don’t trust me, I assume you are untrustworthy. That you lack integrity.

Merely by not trusting others, you may be seen by everyone around you, as a person not to be trusted.

∴

I know that trust is easier said than done…

You will get hurt.

You will have your trust abused.

At times it will cost you money.

And yet … we should trust anyway.

Often ‘Being the Best’ first requires failure

3 June 2014 /

Audit ReportRecently, one of our business divisions was audited by an external auditor, and the comment was made that a particular process is the best that she’s seen in the industry. The irony is that these processes came about because we failed, and by that I mean failed significantly, three or four years ago.

This got me thinking about what it takes to be the best, and whether being the best, at some point, requires massive failure.

Is it possible that failure causes us to reflect, to learn, to change? Is it possible that failure causes us to radically change things so that you can actually strive to become the best?

Being the best is not just a decision you make when things are going well, being the best is something that is refined through the dark patches, risks taken and failed, and through lessons learned the hard way.

∴

What will you do to be the best?

Is that the challenge at work, or failure, or relationship issue, that you’re going through right now could actually hold the key to being the best?

Maybe it’s time you took some massive steps to change.

Then quite possibly, in the future, someone will notice that you are the best!

Unspoken Expectations

3 February 2012 /

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We all have expectations of the people around us. We have an expectation that our spouse will do certain things. We have expectations on our kids, our bosses, our staff and even expectations on people we barely know.

And when people don’t live up to our expectations we get annoyed, frustrated and even angry. This leads to a break down in the relationship.

A few years ago I was introduced to the term “Unspoken Expectations” and I realised that so often the expectations we have for people, we haven’t discussed with them.

Say I decided I would really like a quiet relaxing Saturday at home. Then my wife and kids bounce me around the city doing “unplanned” things (on their list of things). I can become annoyed. I don’t want to bounce around the city. I need to relax.

But if I never sat down and discussed my need to relax with my family how would they know? If I never listened to what they needed to do, how will I know if my desire to relax is achievable? How will we negotiate a middle ground BEFORE we set about our day.

Yet, over and over again, we fail in relationships to speak our expectations beforehand (arguing about them afterwards doesn’t count). I have learned firsthand over the years “unspoken expectations” are a significant cause of relationship breakdowns in families, workplaces, charities and friendships.

If you don’t communicate and agree the expectations, it is not the other persons problem…

It’s yours!

Ok, I admit it, I was wrong!

13 October 2006 /

I have always understood that we are all made unique, entirely individual and wonderfully complex. But the implication of these thoughts often escapes me in action.

I think the problem is that I have never really, honestly believed that we are hard wired differently. A lot of the people that work for me that are smarter than me, had more significant and influential experiences than me, and have far more knowledge than me. Because they are genuinely more intellectual than I am, I struggle heaps when they don't see the big picture, or when they hear what I say and then do things completely differently.

I posted the other day about the styles of influence course I attended. As I have reflected on it, and spent time with the CBC guys and Vinney and Don, I have come to understand that I can be critical and biased when talking to people.

I think that we all have unspoken expectations of people, and then get frustrated when people fail to meet those expectations. We start thinking that they are intentionally doing this to bug us, and then our attitude towards them changes. When our attitude changes, our ability to influence the person positively dramatically reduces.

When all this happens who has the problem us, or the other person?

Me or you?

I have been humbled completely as I have considered some of these lessons.

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